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*SHLORP*

You can’t blame me for trying it.

*SHLICK*

It’s so different from how I remember it.

*PLOP*

A once in a lifetime opportunity.

*PLEPELPELEPLEP*

“What is she doing?”

“I don’t know but it’s…”

“Fucking weird?”

“Yeah, that.”

I ignored the trio of huntresses. My focus was only on one thing.

*Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.*

“But why is she *licking* it?”

“Where did that one even come from?”

I ran my tongue along the chunk of granite. The long, slender instrument explored every crevice. Experienced the contrast between hard, smooth striations and rough inclusions. Tasted the-

“I think we pulled it out of that pile of bat guano Tom needed.”

Oh. So that’s what that was.

“Eh, screw it.”

I gave the stone one last long lick, then set it down in the growing pile that was my new rock collection.

“Why in the watery hells are there so many weirdos showing up at the keep?” Saph asked no one in particular.

“Hey, Tom isn’t that weird,” I defended the hero of my all time favorite definitely-not-a-HMOAF series.

“Tom? Tom’s not even in the running for top three anymore!” Fengi cocked her head slightly. “Where is he, anyway? I haven’t seen him since the first of them showed up.”

“Doing that thing in the place,” Jacky answered. “You know. With the stuff. For the people.”

“Ohhhh. Right. The thing in the place.” Fengi nodded, understanding completely.

“Sorry, I’m not caught up on the story. What does *!@#$#%$#* have Tom doing?”

The three looked at me like I’d grown wings and a tail. Well, more wings and tails.

“The fuck just came out of your mouth?” Jacky demanded.

“*!@#$#%$#*? He’s the-” Suddenly my throat seized up. A voice- maybe *the* Voice -whispered into my mind.

“Let’s not have any of that, alright?”

Not being able to speak with invisible hands around my neck, I just nodded.

“Good girl.”

The pressure released and I gasped in release.

“Girl, you really are the weirdest of the bunch.” Saph was shaking her head at me in the way all women did.

Fengi came to my defense. “I think the tiny deformed dragonette is worse.”

“Nah, he’s just sad. And nicer than that dragon,” Jacky argued.

“Don’t remind me. Hey new girl, you any good at hunting?” Saph asked. “We’ve got a lazy dragon who’s too fat to fly and we have to hunt for the bastard.”

I blinked. “Uh, I’ve shot a gun before?”

They looked at me confused and maybe even a little impressed. “Really?”

Nodding and grinning I said, “Yeah, I have a .22 at home.”

“Wait, Tom told me about that one. They’re apparently meant for kids and killing rats.” Jacky narrowed her eyes at me. “How do you have one? And where *is* home?”

They all started looking at me intensely and I gulped. But before anything could happen there was an invisible sigh, and the world froze. “Let’s try that again, shall we?”

As soon as the Voice finished, the world seemed to hiccup. And then-

“-a lazy dragon who’s too fat to fly and we have to hunt for the bastard.”

“Uhhhhh…” There was a mental poke, like someone jabbed a finger into my brain. “No. No. I was a… digger! I can tell you all about all sorts of rocks and stuff!”

“Sorry Saph, you were right,” Fengi said as the others just stared at me. “She is the weirdest one.”

“Look, let’s just put him in the great hall with the others.”

At least they let me gather my new rock collection before leading me up into the air. Oh, yeah, I could fly now. That was cool, I guess. It was a lot easier to get to rare rocks with wings. No more hiking up the mountainside Or hunting around in the wilderness for that one outcropping the locals swore was there. In fact…

“Can we go to the edge of the island later?”

Of course they didn’t get the appeal of those strata, all exposed for anyone to see. Without bore holes or canyons or thrust faults. It was… it was…

I shivered at the mere thought of getting my hands- and tongue -on the mile high wall of rocks. So beautiful.

“Just get in there. Make some friends or whatever.” Saph shoved me through the door hard enough that a couple rocks fell clattering to the floor then slammed it behind me.

The noise drew the eyes of the room’s occupants. A motley assortment of dragonettes, a dragon, and… other things.

“Well I’ll be damned,” the dragon rumbled in a surprisingly familiar voice. “How is it that the only way you turned into less of a twink was getting a sex change?”

“…Emps?”

Come to think of it, the corpulent black dragon did somehow look like his discord daddy. And the rest of the inhabitants were equally familiar.

“Yes Kitten, it’s me. We’re all here.”

“Most of us at least,” a stubby, deformed looking dragonette said from one side. In fact, he was a whole lot thicker than a dragonette should be, with no wings or horns and a stockier build. More of a Kobold than a dragonette.

My eyes widened as I heard Simple’s voice coming out of the creature. Then I looked around at the others.

There was one dragonette with stupidly tall and somehow fluffy ears. The only other woman in the room was writing something on a slate before showing it to the smaller male next to her. He whispered something back to her, which started the whole process over again.

One whole corner seemed to be reserved for complaining. “I should have been a fox!” I heard from one. “And how come Legal got to be a woman?!”

“No! Sharks! With huge snoots!”

“It all just sucks,” a crusty old dragonette muttered.

On the other side of the room a buff guy was pouring something into a long cylinder. There were little fins attached to it, and I just managed to hear something about how, “This frontier isn’t the fantasy I was promised…”

“Legal. Earth to Legal!”

I turned back to the giant black dragon who was looking down at me.

“Uh… yes?”

“Did they tell you if they were bringing more food?”

I looked Emps up and down. From the way he waddled there was no way he needed it.

“Look, this body is fucking weird. It keeps making me eat!” At that moment, a cacophonous grumble came from his belly. “See?!”

“The huntresses… Uh, Sapphire said they were going hunting.”

“Well I hope they’re back soon.” Emps settled down again, head positioned so he could watch the door. “When I say I could eat a horse, I’m not joking.”

“But don’t you think it’s crazy that-“

“We all got turned into dragon-things and you’re a chick now?”

“Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes at him. “That, and we’re in T-“

“SHUT UP!” “QUIET!” “FUCK NO!”

Half the room was suddenly surrounding me, as the rest glared.

“Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Don’t even insinuate that this is a made up world.” Emps loomed over me, staring down.

“It gets really angry when you use his name.”

“Who’s name, Simple?” I asked. “Oh, you mean-“

“DON’T SAY IT!”

“Alright, alright.” I gathered the rocks that had fallen and set them on a nearby table with the rest. Then I sat down. “So what is there to do here?”

“You could read a book,” Emps answered, swinging his head towards a small pile on the center of the table.

Shrugging, I picked the top one. *Iron Flame* it read. “No.” *Onyx Storm* was on the next. “Oh no no no no.” With trembling hands, I revealed the title of the last in the stack. *Forth Wing.*

“Fuck!”

The entire room burst into laughter. They didn’t understand. *Couldn’t* understand. They’d all seen the presentation, but hadn’t experienced the horror of that cognitohazard.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I grabbed the tomes of eldritch horror and threw them into the fireplace. It should have roared with ghostly green flames as the evil escaped from within those pages but, alas, they only smoldered.

“This has to be a sick joke!”

“No fucking duh, dumbass,” Emps said. “You think we all just showed up here like this?” He spread his massive wings as far as the walls would allow and wiggled them for emphasis.

“Yeah, but that’s cruel. Like we’re in some horrible game show. Like Survivor in Space.”

“*Did somebody say Out of Cruel Space: Game?sss*”

At those words, the door to the great hall swung open, revealing a dragonette with pitch black hide. A being that could only be described as a Downie Darkling. He had a flattened snout, beady eyes, and pudge that threatened to pop the zipper on his strangely sci-fi jumpsuit.

A motley group of four equally odd darklings flanked their leader.

One held a guitar and strummed the opening notes from Wonderwall. “As soon as Sapphire hears me play she’ll be my girlfriend and we’ll have sex and I’ll collect her dragon milk!”

“Cuber is chicken!” another screamed incoherently.

“Where dem laptops at?” the fourth demanded, a strange contraption held in one hand. “I need them to build my radar!”

The final member stepped forward, clad in incongruous shiny armor that should have been far too heavy and bulky. “Bow before my invincible bones!”

I stood there, too shocked for words as the group began to advance menacingly into the keep. Behind us there were screams and cries of alarm from the natives.

“We’re all going to die!”

“Where’s Tom?”

“Someone save us!”

“For the love of-” Emps took a deep breath and then spat a wave of black tar at the darklings. In less time than it took to blink, all five were on the ground, screaming their lungs out as the acid melted them into goopy puddles.

Within a minute, there was nothing left of the darkling intruders.

“We’re going to live!”

“You’re all better than Tom!”

“Thank you for saving us!”

“MY ROCK COLLECTION!!!”

The black dragon spit had soaked the table where my rocks were sitting. Nothing was left but crumbling lumps mixed with the dark mess that had once been a table.

Dejected, I slumped to my knees. “All those poor rocks… I barely even got to lick them…”

“Hey, don’t feel bad.” An unfamiliar voice said as a hand came down to rest on my shoulder. “I’ve got a rock collection you can look at?”

My eyes lit up. “Really?”

The newcomer grinned down at me. He was one of the locals, with a prosthetic tail. “It’s big, too,” he told me as he extended a hand to help me up. “Huge. And you can lick it all you want.”

“I can?” This was news. Tigra had never mentioned any of the keep dwellers having an interest in rocks. But I was a little behind on chapters, so maybe it was new?

“Oh, yeah,” he nodded, a gleam in his eye. “The biggest, hardest rocks you ever saw.”

That settled it. “Lead the way!”

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All images courtesy of Simple!